I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…