Roses are red, you always mattered,
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.