It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Very problematic
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.