Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…