My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
a god among men
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan