the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Wait a minute…
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”