I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
twitter is a journey
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo