Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.