2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
channeling her this year