I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
girls literally only want one thing..
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
How to draw a duck
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
yea so i messed up lol
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime