No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
british sex workers really pound for pound
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.