My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.