Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Don’t snitch tag.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.