“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
felt that
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.