My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
emergency phone
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’d hang this in my house.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place