[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness