Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.