Banking tips
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?