Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
is it earth
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.