[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.