My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
You Might Also Like
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A classic…
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
mood