The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
NASA has no chill
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
saw this in a dream
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur