So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?