if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
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If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Lmfaoooooo
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit