Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
this has done me in for some reason