Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.