She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
That’s what I call a flat tire
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
my dad has had enough
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
If you know, you know
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?