Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
LMAO
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.