*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.