The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Squirrels before girls.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …