Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.