My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*