Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate