DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.