google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole