I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Good boy 😂😂
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
yeah not falling for this one
Schrödinger’s cookie
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*