I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.