I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.