I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
You Might Also Like
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I think I’m having a stroke
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style