May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
R.I.P.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!