Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
i wish we could shoplift online
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Delightful if true: booby trap.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.