I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
spicy snake
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire