employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
She puts the hot in psychotic