sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”