[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You Might Also Like
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
This guy’s not having it 😆
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace