‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them