Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂