I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.