When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket