What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
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You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
They got a point!
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.